i am not enough. i will never be enough. i don't wanna live.

fucks

im so stupid

i ain't supposed to mutter a word

fuck me

fuck my life

why am i not dead yet

no difference. nothing will change.

fucks

so after coming to terms with myself, everything seems simpler. of course it's not easy but still. i feel like coming out to certain people but still not sure about that. i feel like coming out to my tumblr as well but we'll see how. i hope everything will go smoothly. i hope.

coming out to myself

2016 is the year of realisation indeed.

i realised lots of things such as i'm not as str8 as i thought? but still confused tho. still figuring out what i actually am? idk but yeah def not het lol.

wow. coming to terms with my own self is plain weird....... and the hardest.

idk i think i'll never tell a soul ever. but if one day i decides to do so, i know a girl who'll accept me the way i am and i'm thankful for that. at least one of the important ones accepts. and i'm glad.

(and i think she knows anyway lol)

i am a failure i want to die 

salam sims sem 3

idk

mixed feelings huh. i'm so glad i pass the semester i really do. idk i can but i did. but idk. elc & math weren't that hard. idk. i'm so happy for me but i'm frustrated for my parents. idk. was hoping for 3.0> but idk. thank god no Cs but yeah. idk.

i really really really wants to die.

idk

taktau la. am i rly selfish kalau all i ask is for ppl to listen? like.. i kno it's petty ok i do realise that. my love life memang pathetic pun but pls let me be. alah my whole existence in general pun pathetic. explains la why these ppl don't give a damn pun. tapi.. i do listen to your dramas even if i taknak tau or like benda tu repetitive nak mampus sampai i pun malas but i still do listen.

then there's today. lmao. the presentation was a success. at least to me it does la. then nak study cpp baru la rasa macam?? wow i'm so stupid? lol. pastu still got time to fuss over petty things? why am i always like this? patut lah these ppl tak take me seriously pun masa i fuss bc so pathetic cam takyah pun sebenarnya. there's bigger things lah yana ffs!

idk where i'm going w these rambles tapi a thing i kno fo sho, just keep things to yourself. yes they tell you to share, to open up. just don't. it's a trap. people don't give a fuck if it gives no benefit to them. so start to shut the fuck up and just do your things silently. cry in silence, scream in private. they're not interested.

yana got a crush? (lol wtf idk bye)

ok so baru balik from besut and, like always, got this bittersweet after trip feels. about the trip pun ya tapi more to about him? lol idk.

back in cambodia pun like that also. i do miss being there tapi what i miss the most is to get to see him everyday? idk sounds so sappy and shit i might cringe rereading this later lol but it's okie la.

it's true tho. dulu macam tak boleh accept yang i got a crush lol tapi sekarang ok la. dira kata normal. farah kata i dah makin normal. lol idk. everything is temporary.

the thing is, kalau dia ada gf ke, crush on other ppl tu ok tau. like, i totally saw that coming. cuma... who is his important someone tu huhu. must be among us. that, is not what i saw coming. idk if i can accept it but i must too lol.

the thing farah said, i am "among us" but then lets be real la kan. babe, bro. it's not me for sure la. duh.. takkan lah? dah cukup broken ni dont give me hope and break me twice huhu. acah nak mampus kan lol.

tapi i'm pretty sure i'll get over it in no time. just like back in cambodia. bye cute guy. maybe you're too nice kot idk. maybe allah nak tunjuk again yang lelaki yang baik untuk perempuan yang baik. allah nak remind me again. idk i think so la. (haih why do i always fall for the nice one that wont notice me ever haihh)

salam sims

ok so i cant sleep is why i'm here.
the result came out. idk i can make it. i was so harsh on me.
i was in legit tears, shaking and all. all praise for Allah, He made this possible.
He give me a chance. to prove myself.

i really hope i could share this happiness with someone.
i mean, of course i can. first thing that imma do tomorrow is go show this to mama ayah.
i hope they'll be proud of me. i'm proud of me.
i wanted to call someone to cry with when i cant trust my eyes just now.
but i realized i have no one to call. i never want to cry in front of my friends or acquaintance. i hate to be seem weak.
therefore i have no one to spill when i'm dealing with a very strong emotions that i'll end up crying alone.
it kinda frustrates me sometimes but i made me this way.

but i know, i can always share with Him.
i cant remember when was the last time i cried in sujud. was it when i was still 17? no idea.

thank you Allah, for making this possible. Alhamduliillah.

ten cents

idk anymore i really really dk like.... dont get me wrong, i love my relatives but holy hell do i hate meeting them? i mean, i do aware that i gained weight, i do aware that i am fat, i do aware that i am goddamn ugly no one will ever fucking love me ever I BLOODY HELL DO AWARE OF THOSE SO I DONT BLOODY NEED A FUCKING CONSTANT REMINDER?

i already do feel guilty enough eating. yes. i feel guilty eating. but i still do eat. i tried to starve myself but i failed lol i get cranky when im hungry but yeah idk

yall not gonna understand anything anyway so bye.